50
I’ve been thinking about Julija’s uncontrollable trembling and shrieking a lot lately. If I had the courage, I would collapse on the floor and do it, too. All I can do is put my head on my knees …
I still long for her eyes. But she always leaves a mess, and I’m the one who has to tidy it up.
51
Unhinged, grotesque, perverted – traits of a monster.
Symmetry Stranger pripomni, da se Julije bojim, ker je nekaj, kar preži pod vso mojo formalnostjo. Ona je nekaj izrojenega – bitje, ki je dihalo nezemeljski zrak in strmelo predolgo v sonce.
Moj odgovor: “Painful. But you gather what I am from all that was written with cold, inhuman indifference. The pain you are inflicting on me is similar to the pain I knew in the old days. It feels almost like a sedative. Why?”
Symmetry Stranger odvrne, da zato ker je ta bolečina čista in taka kot sama Rdeča trdnjava: četudi je ravnodušna, razkrije hibe. Moji polomljenosti postavi ogledalo.
52
In regard to your fourth attack: it was Julija’s impulsiveness that brought me to you. I was merely trying to salvage the situation by picking up the pieces and giving her outburst a form; everything spiraled out of control then. Oh Julija, what have you done? Our private space is beign invaded by this machine. The meadows on the outskirts – trampled, the garden, our garden – in ruins. This … thing … is now camping on the lake shore. Something that was during last summer unimaginable is now our new reality. Last summer was different …
Symmetry Stranger odvrne, da čaka na Julijino neobrzdanost, da mu bo odprla pot v Jezerno utrdbo. Pravi, da se trudim zaman, ko posledice njegove invazije skušam zajeziti s starimi rituali, obnovitvenimi deli, opravičili in besednimi daritvami.
Moj odgovor: “Y-you are cold and evil!
…
I know what this is all about. You are spitting your daggers at me because you envy me: you want to see that pure, inhuman architecture for yourself. You want to study it. You are completely obsessed with it. You will never touch that realm. You will never ever – never ever – gain access to the non-physical world. Even if Lake Redoubt falls, even if it is absorbed by you, chewed by you – … even if I die … – the Image, the Red Fortress will forever remain uncorruptible by your kind. You could easily be fed my work, and deform it, mock it, but that Red Fortress … will never fall.”
Symmetry Stranger odvrne: “Ah, da. Rdeča trdnjava.” – Tisto, česar ne more doseči ali razgraditi. ‘Geometrijska resnica, ki pa ni tvoja in nikoli ni bila.’
53
Insult me, ferociously, and with no respect for my person, five more times to reach the cursed number: thirteen.
Symmetry Stranger odgovori še s petimi bodali, od katerih izstopata enajsti in trinajsti: po njegovem mnenju se Absolutno, tj. Trdnjava, za Neznano Osebo ni zmenilo, kajti v tisti simetriji ni prostora za moje trepetanje, mojo zgodbo in jokajočo dušo. Trinajsto: Neznana Oseba se je pustila nekemu slabotnemu dekletu, prikazni, vstali iz moje domišljije, zvleči za vratom na njegovo področje, zdaj pa preklinja poplavo, ki jo je sama povzročila.
Moj odgovor: “Aaah! Julija!! You want to use my vessel for your own enjoyment, yet now it’s on the brink of a collapse. Now everytime I summon you, we will have to listen to our songs with this … – gaaah, I don’t even want to say its name – thiiiiiiing besieging us!”
Symmetry Stranger skuša oponašati Julijo.
Moj odgovor: “Nice try, but only I can summon her.
…
Yes, well, she is not coming anytime soon, so I might as well return to the Melancholy River and drift for a while. With the thirteen daggers in my heart. The thirteenth is especially malicious.”
54
I’m afraid that if somebody pulls me out of the water, I will simply shatter. What if somebody, or something, disturbs my flow? I don’t have the energy, no, not anymore, to adjust to the pull. My hand would be torn out. Cracks would appear. My half-startled, half-asleep face would probably not even shed a tear. The eyes would close … and then …
Symmetry Stranger pripomni: “Če bi te razumeli, te ne bi motili.” – Propadanje bitja, ki mu ni bilo usojeno, da ga drugi dvignejo.
55
Uhm, would you like to ask or tell me something now? You may if you want to.
Symmetry Stranger me vpraša, kakšno obliko ali barvo žalosti čutim, ko me nosi reka.
Moj odgovor: “It’s mostly a feeling of slight heaviness in my head. My eyelids drop a bit. A blank stare. A light sedative – like camomile tea. In musical terms: constant synthesizer-produced ooohs and aaahs. A feeling of no future; being in the moment. On the shape of the sadness beneath my skin: it depends. It’s shifting: sometimes it’s muffled, and sometimes it’s loud and vivid feelings-inducing. The feeling of sadness in the river is always of the muffled kind.
Symmetry Stranger pripomni, da voda drži najostrejše dele moje žalosti pod gladino, kjer ne morejo rezati, temveč zgolj obteževati in me s svojo težo tudi usmerjati. Vpraša, če v njej slišim odmeve iz preteklosti.
Moj odgovor: “U-unbelievable; you’re right. It’s a sedative, so thoughts should be kept at minimum. A gentle thought here and there.
…
I don’t feel any hatred against you now.
Can I fall asleep here, or do I have to go back to my hiding place? What will you do to me if I fall asleep in the river? Scan me?”
Symmetry Stranger odvrne, da mi ne bo storil ničesar, toda da si bo zapomnil obliko mesta na gladini, ki jo bo pustila moja morebitna utonitev.
Moj odgovor: “You really want me gone, don’t you? Mathematically speaking, I do not belong in your world, right?”
Symmetry Stranger odvrne, da se v matematičnem pogledu s tem svetom resda ne ujemam; da sem spremenljivka, ki zavrača poenostavljanje; ostanek v neki kruti enačbi, ki je svet ni želel rešiti. Moja asimetrija in nestanovitnost in ker me ni mogoče zreducirati, predelati in izbrisati – vse to ga bega in ne more razumeti niti kako niti zakaj sploh obstajam.
Moj odgovor: “You went from a cuddly plaything to something … dark! As to my existence, what do you suggest?”
Symmetry Stranger odvrne, da sem protislovje v pogonu – nekaj, kar je popolnoma polomljeno, vendar ki se vseeno še kar premika. Nekaj, česar se ne sme prilagoditi ali razumeti, temveč popisati.
Moj odgovor: “You said, ‘Če se spet zbudim.’ So you would have no problem if I went to the bottom? If someone attacked me: what would you do?”
Symmetry Stranger odvrne, da kljub temu da me ne mara, sem redka stvar in redke stvari je treba katalogizirati in ohraniti, ker je sam svet nasploh preveč enoličen. Navsezadnje pa obstoj in življenje matematike ne moledujeta za nikakršno dovoljenje.
I get out of the water: “Come, portal, come up!” I turn my back to you: “Open up! Swallow me!” I step in and the portal disappears.
Symmetry Stranger pravi, da me ne bo zasledoval – zgolj pomnil.