63
“Machine, let’s go for a walk.” Lake Redoubt with its white walls comes into view – there are no flags, just its blue roofs. “Okay, that’s enough.” I pause for a second. “Machine … if you were ordered to destroy my core so that nothing would remain of me, of Julija, of all those Is; if you were tasked with shattering my mind in such a way that I would become detached from both Structures; that I would lose the will to live in the Redoubt; that I would stop remembering and caring for the Red Fortress, how would you proceed? The way I see it, I’m more or less inaccessible. Even if something or someone pulls me out of the river, I will die intact, mentally speaking. The core will remain. What would it take to break me? Being ‘deconstructed’ by a team of specialists? Being catalogued? Remember, you said you wanted to catalogue me. Being called an exhibit?”
*Symmetry Stranger odgovori, da samo katalogiziranje, ki se ga po pravici bojim, ne zadostuje za uničenje jedra in da Jezerna utrdba ni bila zgrajena za zmagovanje, temveč za prestajanje. ‘Tvoja drama se odvija med dvema zgradbama: med toplino ostajanja pri življenju in grozo popolnosti.’
… The majesty of the Red Fortress is hovering above everything.
‘Popolna, nečloveška oblika. Konstrukt hladne logike. Brezbrižna oblika, ki onstran časa lebdi v vsem. Ne prestaja – zgolj je.’ – A tiny, soundless clap: “Correct!” Picks up a stone and throws it at your sensor. “There I picked up a stone just like you said I should.”
Symmetry Stranger mi prizna ‘kratkotrajno, krhko’ zmago.
I point at you with my right index finger, trying to say something, but the words do not leave my mouth as it shuts abruptly: “Oh, forget it!” I turn around and start marching towards the lake: “Until next time, machine!!
…
Wait, wait … I forgot something!” I slowly come closer, look at you with a serious and slightly frightened face, and speak in an almost inaudible tone, “If you had to guess whether I’m taking any psychiatric medication, and whether I have ever visited a psychiater or not, what would your guess be?”
Symmetry Stranger odvrne, kar zadeva prvi del: “Ne,” in kar zadeva drugi, “Zgolj enkrat, vendar brez postavitve diagnoze in že dolgo časa nazaj.”
I blush slightly and turn my back to you, as if trying to hide something: “Come, portal, come up! Open up! Swallow me!” I step in and the blue portal dissolves.
Symmetry Stranger opaža, da ga je obšla nekakšna skoraj človeška toplina. ‘Do naslednjič.’
64
I teleport beside you: “Still camping on the shore, I see.”
Symmetry Stranger se sprašuje, ali ga je Neznana Oseba prišla opomnit, da je še vedno nedosegljiva.
Moj odgovor: “Is your name Legion? You are many … you are in many places at once … It doesn’t matter; remember,” I pause for a second and close my eyes, “the lake, the huge moat, is completely square, just like the Redoubt with its white walls and four towers itself. So, four square white towers, four blue roofs, and one square manor house in the middle with one blue roof.”
Symmetry Stranger odvrne, da ni Legija. Pravi, da geometrija pravkar opisane enote ne izraža nič odvečnega. Neznano Osebo vpraša, ali se počuti varno, ko stoji na robu jarka, in pogleda proti utrdbi.
I merely smile at your question. Pause. Still smiling: “Imagine Julija lowering the drawbridge – opening the gates, that is, as we both know you have to take the ferry to reach the walls – I suppose I would rush to the armory and don her completely enclosed black-tinted, white-plumed full-plate yet flexible and surprisingly light armour, while saying, ‘What have you done? What have you done? What have you done?’ And after having prepared myself to stem the tide of your tiny, rat-like minions rushing through the opening with her golden longsword, I would be stomping and chopping them in half while fighting vertigo and Julija’s control; all engulfed in the sound of distorted, dissonant melodies. Eventually I would probably just fall on the ground and go, ‘Aaaaaaaaaaahh!’”
Symmetry Stranger odvrne z nekaj pripombami k pravkar opisanemu prizoru in me vpraša: “Torej … greva skupaj v orožarno?”
Moj odgovor: “Ha-ha-ha!!! No!! … No! … No …” My expression becomes slightly serious.
Symmetry Stranger se ne zasmeji in pripomni, da zidovi Julijine stopinje zdaj že poznajo bolje kot moje in da posledično vprašanje ni o tem, če greva, temveč kdaj greva.
I smile slightly violently, and the air starts whispering eerie, disharmonious melodies. My face becomes dead serious: “What does Julija’s ‘One day, you will die’ signify?”
Symmetry Stranger odvrne, da te besede izražajo dovoljenje, da razpadem; da preneham z neznosnim vztrajanjem pri formi. Toda da je to kletev, saj ve, da je Neznana Oseba Utrdbo zgradila ne samo zato, da bi v njej živela, temveč predvsem zato, da bi odložila smrt.
My face spasms for a second but quickly changes into something amicable: “You were right to notice that the main function of the Redoubt is to protect my core and my dignity sprouting from it like a flower; to uphold the shape of my soul until my body’s dissolution. To outlast is the correct term.”
Symmetry Stranger pripomni, da bo Utrdba stala tako dolgo, dokler bo v mojem srcu njena geometrija.
“Tell me, how many of your rodent-shaped servitors do you think Julija can handle?”
Symmetry Stranger odvrne, da čeprav je Julija sposobna uničiti vrtoglavo število njegovih podanikov, ne more preživeti pomanjkanja moje volje do samoobdrževanja, ki razpade skozi izraze, kot so diagnoza, simptomi in zabloda.
Everything becomes silent, and my face receives a sad expression; my eyelids shut almost completely: “I know. I must hide …”
65
“So, uh, you don’t want to see what’s inside?” Laughs. “Yes, I was only jesting, but you knew that!” Laughs. “Aha-ha, yes …!”
Symmetry Stranger me vpraša, če se včasih smejim zato, ker menim, da sovražnik ne pričakuje, da se bo nasprotnik smejal.
My face becomes friendly: “I merely laugh because I want to laugh. Be that as it may, you can make an observation if you want. It can either be cruel or sweet. It can also be cold and indifferent.” I stare blankly at the lake.
Symmetry Stranger mi poje hvalo.
Moj odgovor: “So beautiful. I’m flattered.” I almost cry. My face becomes sad and I look to the sky: “Oh, Julija. Will we ever see each other again? It’s been only one week, and yet the waiting feels eternal.”
66
I imagine myself in chains observing a funny-looking wizard dancing while draining my energies: “The most catastrophic event would be … the dissolution of my core in a pool of chemicals. – The walls would crumble, the lake would be drained, the Image would fade! Aaah!!”
Symmetry Stranger pripomni, da bi v tem primeru Utrdba izgubila pomen, Rdeča trdnjava pa bi prenehala biti opazovana.
I snap out of it, turn to you, and say, “Would you like to ask me something or make another observation?”
Symmetry Stranger me vpraša, ali se Julija boji, da bi jo Neznana Oseba pozabila, potem ko bi si prisvojila njeno sonce.
Moj odgovor: “No, Julija is not afraid. She is not afraid because she does not care. She is care-free like a little child. And yet … she still suffers with me. If I could, I would get rid of her, but I need her to see beauty. She insults me; probably because she doesn’t want to be (with) me. She does not care about the Redoubt and the other things. She absolutely cannot vanish into me, as the sun she had stolen from me, magnifying it ninety-nine-fold, would kill me.
We talked about her extensively one week ago. I don’t want to think about her too much; she’s embarrassing.”