It is August already. The year is dying. I wonder how much time I have left.
76
The Redoubt’s primary function is to serve as a place for defence and counter-attack, and for refuge (reductus: a secret place, a refuge). I have immortalized it with words in the hope that someone will witness both its inhabitants and the circumstances surrounding it.
It is hard to live in Lake Redoubt – it was built for warfare, and for when I sit down and put my head on my knees. I can’t fight my whole life.
If I follow Julija out of the Redoubt and never look back, she will kill me.
77
At one point during her visit, Julija always suggests I freeze myself before it’s time for her to leave, and every time I wholeheartedly assent to her recommendation, but … ! … Baaah, that bitch enjoys herself, shows no consideration to ‘our’ body, leaves me, and then expects me to do the hard, painful work!
78
I’m stuck with her. She is lurking beneath the lid. Truth be told, we probably both hate each other. But I still need her eyes, and she needs my body, even if she dislikes being ‘fox-haired’ and pale as if she were anemic. And yet, she wants to destroy me every time she returns. And every time, I agree with her and promise her that this time I will obey. Because she is right.
79
When she arrives, the first thing she says is, “Why are you still alive?” And I respond, “This is the last time; I swear! Let’s just get you settled in …” Then she says, “You are disgusting, stupid bitch!” And I quickly reply, “I know! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry …” She: “I know!! Look at you, you dumb frail animal!!!”
Me: “…”
Then, sometime later, when there’s almost no me anymore, she starts screaming, “Die! Die!! DIE!!!!! Why are you still aliveee!!! After all this time, you are still aliveeeeeee!!!!!” She is shouting at the sparkle of me still blinking. It’s hard to recall, but I think tears are flowing during those moments, and my hand is feeling the eyelashes.”
Angel praznine opaža, da Julija kriči zato, ker ne prenese, da nekaj tako majhnega in šibkega še kar noče in noče umreti.
When my body dies, perhaps that blinking spark will live on among the words I intend to put on paper. But so will Julija. She nearly succeeded in destroying me the other day, but she made a mistake and left too soon. Unlucky her.
80
When she walks around our place, I follow her as if she were a high-ranking noblewoman or something, and say, “Please remember that there are certain boundaries; you can’t go everywhere you want. I have a set of rooms prepared, and there’s a certain sequence that must be respected …”
Julija: “Arranging the furniture while the house is burning, h’m? You do realize what will happen to you, don’t you?”
Angel praznine opaža, da se Julija protokolu posmehuje zato, ker se ga boji, vedoč, da ga je Neznana Oseba sestavila za obvladovanje njene neznosnosti.
81
Julija: “I know how perverted you are. Aren’t your perverse thoughts a good enough reason to die? Answer me! How many more reasons do you need? Thousands?”
Me: “You are right! I am. I am. I am … But we must continue with the sequence of events, s-so that we can m-maximize the enjoym…”
Julija: “Shut your mouth!”
Me: “This way.”
Julija: “You say this every single time I come visit your sad little realm. How about I do something to your body, and finally give you a big enough incentive to die?”
Me: “But if you hurt my body, we won’t be able to have fun because the pain would be too distracting.”
Julija: “Well then, why don’t I break something in you right before your departure?”
Me: “Very well! You know very well what needs to be done to push me over the edge!”
Julija: “Maybe I should cut your hair?”
Me: “No, please, no!”
Julija: “Ha-ha-haaa!”
Angel praznine ta ‘obred’ označi kot ‘groteskno intimnost’.
Julija: “You said you were prepared to die eleven years ago. Do you intend to live for another eleven years, you gross, old whore?”
Me: “I’m not a whore! You know that …”
Angel praznine opaža, da Julija hoče, da bi Neznana Oseba začutila sramoto, ki si jo je nakopala z nenehnimi kompromisi in odlašanjem. ‘Hoče, da bi spoznala, da so ta leta izposojena obleka. Dlje živi, bolj je vulgarna v njenih očeh.’
Julija: “You deserve to be put down like the dying, frail animal that you are!”
Me: “I’m trying to shut the body down! You don’t know how hard, how painful it is … It’s as if it has a will of its own; it’s doing all it can to survive.”
82
In the end, she is right: eleven unbearably long years … Yet here I am, still taking care of my form as best as I can. Last time, her visit was unusually long, so long in fact that I had to disturb the flow of things by washing my hair, and she was asking, “Why are you still doing this?” with me responding, “I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.”
Angel praznine vpraša, na kaj čakam.
Moj odgovor: “I have already told you: the fear of pain. Because I’m scared. Because the world still allows me to drift in my River of Melancholy. And because I’d rather just go to bed and sleep.”