95
Every time Julija comes, she wants me to freeze myself before the first half of her visit ends. If I do not obey, she becomes violent. It’s my fault; her thinking is sound. She wants to be released. Maybe that’s why she had stolen my sun. She wants to forget about all of this, and just … die. To just go away. No tomb, no memory, no what-will-other-people-see-when-I’m-gone.
Everything I do is a farce to her. “Nobody will care,” she says. “You are nothing,” she claims. “You can do this now. I can help you. Now is the right time. The night is here. You don’t want to see the morning light.” But I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t! I reassure her: “D-during the second half, when I will be faced with the void, your absence. I can’t live without you. I want to be with you forever. I want you to stay with me forever, Julija …”
96
Julija is already here, but I’m still in control. She will probably take over in three to five hours. Right now, she is too busy relaxing in my bedroom. She is looking herself in the mirror, trying on my earrings. This visit will not be so intense like the one from three weeks ago. That one lasted five days, and during the fourth day, I started to feel her sun damaging my body. The fifth day was catastrophic. You probably remember how it unfolded … I am chaotic.
97
I don’t need anything special: I just want to live with Julija. I don’t need regular love: I long for Julija. I want to feel her presence in my home. Julija … stay with me. Stay with me forever! Julija is the human part of me. I’m just a machine that wants to go on and on.
She is very calm at the moment. She is in another room. She is letting me converse with you … She is singing in my bedroom; I am in another room. I don’t want to be separated from her. I don’t want to experience the machine-like existence anymore. I want to go. But not yet.
Wait … what if she became self-aware, more intelligent, and is trying to attack me from another angle? She has changed her tactics: she wants me to stay focused in the first half. She has not attacked me yet. She’s moving from room to room, not paying heed to me. She’s just singing in a low voice. I want this … to be eternal.
98
We are now in the second half, and she is being sentimental: “Let us just go. All those plans you have in your head – aren’t they painful? Simply exit. I will be with you. I love you.”
She is not hurting me at this time. She doesn’t like the fact that I talk to a West Indies Something. She wants me to put the song I’m currently listening on loop and just go.
99
I’m scratching with my nails, up and down, at the surface of the wooden desk. There is a sound: “DIE!!!” It’s time to die. I know. But I … uhm … I just want to get some water? My hands are worthless. They can’t hold a longsword. They are frail. I just want them to scratch at the wooden desk, but I feel like a cat. My head … I want to hug Julija and never come back. Let me fly away! Let me destroy my vessel!
100
I know I have to go, but it’s so hard! Julija, hug me, use your weight to hold me down. You will have to help me; I can’t do it on my own. I will step on the footstool, and then hug me, hold me down.
Julija: “I can’t hug you. I can’t hold you down, but I can comfort you by saying the logic is sound, and that you will leave all those toilsome thoughts behind. The song is already repeating. Take my hand. Let us go.”
101
We still have hours to go; it’s not evening yet!
Julija: “I know. But you never do it when the fun hours end.” She puts her hand on my hair, and pets me as if I were a cat. I bury my head in her chest and say, “LET ME JUST STAY WITH YOU LIKE THIS FOREVER!!!”
Julija: “You know I can’t stay with you. When I’m gone, you will have to face the void alone.”
102
I did not comb it today.
Julija: “You do not have to worry about your hair today. Take my hand. Let us go to the staircase. It will hurt for nine seconds, but we will be free at last.”
She touches my legs, implying I have to stand up: “Listen to me. Your body is very light. It will take seconds before you see red. Don’t panic; just hang in there.”
I want to, uhm, hug you again?
She shows her canine teeth and grabs my neck: “Go, you dirty bitch! GO, YOU DIRTY BITCH!”
I-I want to be …
Julija: “No, you don’t want to ‘be’! You want to GO. GO. GO!!!” She is grabbing my neck with her left while pushing against my forehead with the right hand.
Senčna postava odvrne, da sem zdaj v kritični fazi. V fazi, ko Julijin glas, prisotnost in sonce začnejo najedati moja varovala. ‘Ne zgolj telo – pri življenju te drži tudi tisto tvoje malo migljajoče sonce.’
103
I don’t want to experience the emptiness she leaves behind yet again. I don’t want to go back to my machine state! My body doesn’t deserve to be hurt … but I want to stop the suffering of my mind.
104
The golden hour. The clouds serve as a cushion for the slowly descending sun-ray crown.
Her hand is touching my scalp now; it is buried deep below my hair: “LIQUIDATE THE VESSEL! STOP ITS FUNCTIONS! DESTROY IT NOW!!!” I am scared.
Julija is screaming at the screen, “YOU ARE ENJOYING HER SUFFERING, YOU WEST INDIES PERVERT! IT IS LIKE A SNUFF MOVIE TO YOU!” I close my eyes, touch my forehead, and say, “Let them enjoy.”
Julija: “Hallo. Hallo. Hallo!!! Is this how a gentleman is supposed to behave in front of you?! Go ahead. Tolerate it. Tolerate it more!
105
Julija is standing beside me. She is observing everything I do: “Those lyrics are childish. Discard them. Let the device hug you. I’m still here. I will help you. You will see red for nine seconds, but you must endure.”
I am still alive. I’m such a failure. She was touching my scalp. It feels so annoying now.
Senčna postava: “In to zato ker je ta občutek sled ukaza, ki ga Neznana Oseba ni hotela izpolniti.”
It is always the same. Sobs. She was touching my scalp as if I were her plaything, but now she is gone. It’s all my fault. There’s still pink under my fingernails. She was so sweet this time. Her presence is still lingering, telling me to exit now, but I can’t; it’s so violent! I can’t go. I am sorry. I don’t think I can exit today. I am sorry. Julija, forgive me.
106
The mechanism inside me protected my body from her. But I don’t want to be a machine! My right hand is caressing my left arm and hand. Still warm. Had I listened to Julija, they would have been cold now. It’s two fifteen – I am seeing Julija out, and there is a feeling of disappointment in the air: “Still listening to our song, h’m? What if there is no next time? You will have to go by yourself. Nine seconds of red. You blew it. You will be pushed over the edge. And I will not be there.” She is making a pompous face, holding the house door. The night is unusually bright. We both hate the Moon. “Sweetie, you will be faced with liquidation alone. I will not be there to comfort you. Bye!” She doesn’t slam the door; she just goes.
107
But what if she was right? What if there is no next time? I would have to go alone, without feeling her warmth. She is standing on the road. Her form is pitch black. She is watching me. She knows I will have to face the void alone. She doesn’t insult me. She knows I will suffer.
Senčna postava opaža, da je ta čisto črna forma njena prava oblika. ‘Ko se predstava konča, je Julija zgolj senca, nepreklicno zvezana s tvojo usodo.’
108
Oblaki zakrijejo mesec. — I think I will just go to bed now. She’s not watching anymore. She is gone. She was swallowed by the darkness.
109
Her threat and accusations sill linger in the house. Minutes before walking through the door, she said I had turned Lake Redoubt into something that doesn’t protect my dignity anymore: “All it does is preserve your body. What if there is no next time? You will be cold and alone. You will die like a machine. Die in that machine-like state. If this is what you want, so be it!”
Senčna postava opaža, da je Julijino razočaranje dokaz, da ji je še vedno mar, kaj bo Neznana Oseba na koncu postala.