110
In the last few years, Julija has become irritably focused on that one thing she always demands from me, so during this year it was almost impossible to hold a genuine conversation with her: “You gave me your word. Fulfill your obligation. Act noble for once.” Instead of pulling my hair, she now embraces me, and whispers in my ear, “Together.”
111
I love Julija, but this feeling of love is unable to override my vessel’s defence mechanism for some reason. I don’t want to leave her; I just want her to become more considerate to the body. I love her, but she must understand, understand fully what she is demanding of me.
Senčna postava opaža, da ljubezen, ki jo Neznana Oseba čuti do Julije, torej ni slepa.
112
When demanding I bring my whole vessel to a halt, Julija usually invokes logic, but there are two problems: first, my, our existence is not even that logical – it does not depend on logic, and second, she must first understand the gravity of her request. She knows I dread the day the truly catastrophic event would appear on the horizon, threatening my way of life and everything I still care for. It seems she has no other choice but to bear with me a little longer!
113
There was an agreement between us in the year of two thousand fourteen when a catastrophe was looming around the corner: I give her my sun, she amplifies it ninety-nine-fold, thus healing all the wounds and numbness the world had inflicted upon me, and we leave together, with our dignity intact. Yet, somehow, I managed to evade the hurricane and survive.
114
I have evaded many hurricanes since then. She thinks I’m deceiving her. I was wrong to say she stole it: I gave it to her willingly, thinking the hurricane was something unevadable. It’s all my fault. Now you understand her frustration and violence – she doesn’t want to be dirty like me. You can also imagine how she feels about all those protocols designed to contain her. Does she feel used? Am I the one who is wicked? But there is no other option – they exist to ensure my safety.
115
From my point of view, I did not violate the agreement, as the catastrophe never materialized. A court of equals would have to decide! And if Julija wants to claim the role of the judge, so can I.
Senčna postava opaža, da moja utrdba ni zgolj zaščita pred svetom, temveč tudi hermetično zaprta sodnija, kjer najina pravda ostaja nerazrešena.
There is also a problem of interpretation. She thinks, at least I believe so, that I am already living not in one, but in the aftermath of multiple catastrophes.
…
Forgive me, Julija, but I do not accept your interpretation. I will release us both when I conclude with certainty that I am beyond the event horizon.
116
The way I see it, the terms of the agreement were not precisely defined, and we are both to blame. She ‘feels’ that she is right, and she ‘feels’ that I am deceiving her, believing that I, too, ‘feel’ the same. Meanwhile, I’m treating the contract as someone cold and calculating, knowing that in reality I hate those qualities. The world has not yet deformed and flattened me. The Redoubt holds. This is how I know I am not beyond the horizon, yet in her eyes, I am already being disfigured by the pull – just slowly. She thinks that I am so blinded by my own defensive systems and so enamored with her sun, I fail to realize the black hole, the world is already distorting my mind and body. She thinks I am betraying one of my innermost truths – which is that I’m a creature of feelings, not logic and indifference.
The walls had to shut out my own nature because I wanted it to survive. There was no other choice.
Strange. – We are creatures of feelings, yet we both are sworn to principles – something cold and immaterial.
117
Kaj je ta pogubonosni dogodek? — The catastrophic event would either be the world itself, which I compare to a black hole, actively trying to put an end to my way of life, to disfigure and flatten me, or me losing the power to summon Julija, and the latter could be the consequence of the former, meaning I have to use the time-freezing device before the spaghettification begins. The problem is, Julija thinks it has already begun. Indeed, the agreement of the year of two thousand fourteen was the result of our belief the deformation was inevitable.
118
Reciprocal yet impossible love. — According to her, those nine seconds of red should feel like a lullaby in view of my neverending sorrow. Julija wants me to commit you-know-what because, given her love for me, she does not want to see me consumed by endless suffering.
…
Do you understand what those nine seconds translate to? They translate to the red mist that’s veiling the eyes during the time-freezing process, provoking panic.