129
Today I was attacked by a bad memory; so to fight it, I simply teleported to the Flatlands, as they are sealed of from the rest of my mindscape, Lake Redoubt itself being isolated from both. In this land, there exists no harmful connection either to the external realm or the other parts of my immaterial world.
Senčna postava opaža, da je Dežela Ravnin neka tretja opcija: niti likvidacija (Julijina terjatev) niti utrjenost (Jezerna utrdba), temveč umaknitev v ravnodušnost (duhovna Švica).
These parts are slightly contaminated now, though. I wish I knew how to get rid of you.
Senčno postavo spomnim, da ga je v Deželo Ravnin zvlekla Julija oziroma posledice njenega divjanja.
Senčna postava: “Da, za razliko od gospoda Flapsa, nisem povsem tvoj; moj glas v sebi nosi inozemski ton. Zato mojo prisotnost smatraš za neko vrsto oskrumbe.”
130
The woman with the unflinching face. —That crushing pressure in my chest … Eleven years more? My heart will stop on its own; the sadness will paralyze it. It’s suffocating my mind as well. It was barely noticeable twelve hours ago. Then it came slowly – like a tide. I want to cry, or at least groan, yet I can’t. I want to transform into the weeping Julija; fly away, leave everything behind. I want to scream, cry, and laugh. Everything is so absurd right now.
131
“Ow, the pain in my heart! That pressing feeling in my chest!” I lie on the bench, bury my head in a small cloud as if it were a pillow, and moan, “Why did I have to be saved?! Why …”
…
Don’t mind me; I’m just recording pain for some reason! This morbid, nightmare existence … You don’t know what it’s like to suffer without having the ability to cry. I can only hold my head and close my eyes, while the pain is hurting my heart. Let me go! I want to fly away! My facial expression is always calm on the outside, yet in my mind I howl. I’m walking slowly on the grass; my head is lowered. I’m crying, crying, crying. The look on the face of the ‘external person’ is always stern and unmoved; she doesn’t care that I’m inside, screaming. I feel like I’m traped deep underground, yet she doesn’t move a muscle. Yesterday, moments before I fell asleep, I was weeping and groaning, begging her to let me out, yet she did not shed tears – her body remained calm and perfectly still.
132
Almost every day, a painful memory emerges from nowhere, and stabs me. It gives me physical pain. If I meditate on it, it just stabs me again and again! It hurts!!!
Those attacks are so unexpected and piercing, they make the Keeper herself clench her teeth.
133
Those memories simply flash before my eyes, hurting both me and the Keeper in an instant. They last less than a second, yet during that moment they make her face writhe with anguish. If I start to dwell on them, I escape to the Flatlands; it’s where they cannot follow me.
134
The Keeper is performing her role well. Had it not been for her, the cold world would have shredded me to pieces.
…
Julija possesses the ability to make the external me cry, which is why I, the buried one, cannot do without her. If I lose the power to summon Julija, I will force the outer me to die.
135
The one who is talking to you right now is the one who wanders about the Flatlands and cries in the cloud-pillow. Yesterday, the feeling of claustrophobia made me scream at the external me: “It’s for my own good! I know …” I give up, lowering my head. “The Keeper is right. At least I think so! … This is my home, my refuge. The Keeper must never reveal the true me, and especially Julija, to the external world, meaning that the real me is condemned to a solitary existence forever. There is no sympathy for me in this world. Julija, I know you are not here, but I love you, I love you, I love you!”