181
I’m standing near a closet, reading a book. Suddenly, something sickening – a dark memory – jumps from the corner of my mind. But I stay calm. I feel detached from it, even though it’s tied to me.
In the older dreams, the fragments of atrociousness were too exposed; now, they are so meticulously hidden, that even I forget they exist.
People come near them, yet they never realize what they are staring at. “Why am I acting so calm if I’m a beast?” Every time I try to get rid of them, yet every time I wake up before I’m able to throw them out.
Ten years ago, those sickening parts were hidden clumsily; now, they blend in with furniture and dissolve in paintings. I even feel proud of myself when I stand near that closet, calmly reading a book.
Those hidden pieces are by far the most sickening parts of my mind. To think that I am able to host people in the room where those fragments are so expertly hidden with a straight face … I would laugh with them, and they would not realize they are in a room with a beast.
182
Stojim ob omari s knjigami in premišljujem. — H’m … a Flatlands scene in which the foreign entity suddenly becomes violent, knocks me on the ground, holds me down, and tries to force me into revealing how to summon the ferry and get ahold of the key to the Redoubt …
… Gravity, paralysis working against me on the hostile entity’s command. I get dangerously overpowered, I can’t utter a word, my heart starts pounding, my breathing becomes heavy, I almost faint. I’m in shock. I can’t concentrate. I can’t fight back.
183
I’m lying in the grass like a doll while the passers-by bemoan my fate. Some even fall to their knees and touch my forehead and cheeks.
Groups and individuals appear from nothingness and disappear into nothingness. I am barely moving my lips. – It’s obvious I’m trying to beg for help, but nobody knows what to do. My tearful eyes keep on moving, albeit slowly, in every direction.
184
People suddenly vanish, and I scream, “Nooo!! Don’t kill me!” There is someone, or something, grabbing my neck and holding a veil over my frightened, exhausted eyes. I can finally lift my legs, so I try to kick the hostile apparition yet disperse nothing but air molecules.
The ethereal violator finally speaks: “Do you not remember what your Redoubt is made of?” The male voice proceeds to recite one of its fragments, but his utterances are cut off as if swallowed by water.
I reply, “First, it was Julija who wrote that, and second, we are not even in a forest, you blind fool!” He: “I’ll drag you into one. Come here, you little vixen!”
He is now dragging me towards the coniferous forest in the seemingly impossible distance by my hair while I’m in shock, screaming in pain. My body goes numb long before we reach our destination. When we finally cross the tree line, he grabs my head and presses it against the soil.
Me: “It can’t be.” He rises, reciting the passage again, and again the atmosphere refuses to accept his words and throws them into the water. Seeing him slowly put his gloves on, I sob uncontrollably: “Don’t tell me your plan is to strangle me.”
It is the masculine force of Lake Redoubt itself!
KONEC PRVEGA DELA
Bartolomej Maussar