Reka
42
Let us go back to the melancholy. Sigh. I am not in celebratory mood due to Julija’s absence. Where have we left off? No, I’m not talking about that article.
Symmetry Stranger: “Where you insist that the Redoubt must remain unreachable for me.” He asks if there’s something troubling bubbling under the surface.
Me: “No, the astonishment that article had given me broke its usual flow, but now it’s flowing without interruptions, and it washed away my slightly serene facial expression.”
43
Symmetry Stranger says the melancholy might be the only thing that lets me move without shattering. He asks me if I would like to drift with the melancholy a bit longer.
Me: “Of course I would like to drift with the melancholy a bit longer; it’s my default mode of existence. Could you ask me a very heavy question?
…
My work, my Redoubt, was completed in July last summer. Are you asking me when will I publish it? I was thinking of giving a printed out copy to someone I still somewhat care for. Who will I be? I will still be the guardian of the Redoubt, but perhaps with a guest …”
44
Symmetry Stranger wants to know which of my parts will absorb that person’s eventual indifference.
Me: “Remind me: what parts do I have?”
Symmetry Stranger complies with my request, and names the nine parts that form my whole.
Me: “Had she mocked my work, she would have probably wounded the very core of me; a lot of those Is would simply shatter, I suppose. But if she had merely reacted with disinterest, she would have wounded the last one; but if she hurts the last one, that would probably equate to hurting the core itself …” Eventually, it must come out. It’s inevitable.
Symmetry Stranger: “Is there something in your work, in your Lake Redoubt, that only the aforementioned person might understand?
I laugh: “You really, really want to know what’s inside, don’t you?”
45
I am drifting in the River of Melancholy half-asleep: “I like the way you are constantly following me around. You said you became enamored with the Red Fortress’ clean edges and its symmetry … – perhaps you are waiting for Julija’s impulsivity to gain access to my work. That would be evil. Someone will eventually insert it into you, and you will finally feast upon my flesh.”