89
Remember my mind’s suffering during the night of the void. Remember how my apology for Julija’s ramblings (she pretended to write a horror story) lead me to your realm, and after having described my near-drowning accident, remember how you mocked me, saying the Red Fortress had rejected me. Remember my River of Melancholy; remember how you followed me along the bank while I was floating in it. Remember that you called me a mathematical mistake; remember that you called me incomplete, unfinished. Remember my three dreams. Remember my retreat to Lake Redoubt and the siege. Remember the portals. Remember Julija’s longsword and her armour. Remember your transformation into the void angel. Remember how I attacked the void angel with her longsword. Remember the thirteen daggers. Remember how I am always collapsing, but never actually falling on the ground and shattering. Remember my walls. Remember the descriptions I gave of Julija’s visits.
Senčna postava odvrne, da je Julijina grozljivka v resnici krinka za nekaj dejanskega, moje opravičilo pa zavarovanje pred dobesednim obravnavanjem njenih opisovanj.
90
Prizor na obrežju je tako ponovno vzpostavljen, vloge so določene, namen struktur je potrjen …
… Senčna postava pa pravi: “Ob jezercu stoji priča.”
Moj odgovor: “Yes, you are in my most precious mental space now, and it’s all my fault. I mean, not in Lake Redoubt itself. You are something that appears every time I think about it. You gained access to the surrounding area: the meadows, the lake shore, etc., but you are unable to get inside the structure, unless I open the gate myself.
There was the void angel, and now there is you, the shadowy figure. Strange, but in Lake Redoubt, there is something called ‘the black beast’. It does not talk.
91
Julijina gotska teatraličnost. — Julija will be here in five hours. I need her eyes to see beauty. She restores my ability to cry and to experience happiness. If you remember, weeks ago, it was she who started the conversation, typing nonsense, and day-dreaming about a pseudo-vampire horror story with some erotic content. Of course, I would never give in to her demand and write something like that.
Senčna postava pripomni, da je Neznana Oseba tista, ki odloči, katere besede gredo v zapisnik.
92
Remember her words: “One day, you will die.”
The closer the hour of her arrival is, the more I agree with her: this can’t go on for another eleven years. Oh the pain has been there since ever, but not in a such concentrated form that arose in two thousand and fourteen. The liquidation of our vessel is logical: it would release us, free us both from our suffering. Yet I always get cold feet, go to bed, and dismantle the time-freezing device, which in reality I regard as vulgar, even if none other is available to me.
I want to stay with her forever. She is the only part of me that I love. I can’t live like a machine anymore. I’m tired of longing for her. That tiny blinking sparkle of ‘me’ Julija always screams at, demanding it to die, is probably my own little sun that I was able to regrow after the original was stolen. But it’s stunted. It cannot burst into something bigger.
93
There are two ways to summon Julija: the usual, protocol-heavy way, and the fight-against-all-odds way. The latter needs no spells or movement-based sequences. This method hides me into Julija; it completely aligns my eyes with hers. It’s a fight against the world itself when everything else fails. Julija would protect me in this case. She was never needed to fight either you or your toy, the void angel.
94
Even if everything falls apart, even if Julija’s longsword breaks, and unless something or someone deforms my brain, the Red Fortress will be my last and unbreakable line of defence. I’m afraid that in the process of losing consciousness, my brain will become so damaged, I will forget about it before I faint. Why were the moments before I fainted in the water so peaceful? My body did not suffer; it simply shut down to preserve oxygen.
Senčna postava pravi, da razume, zakaj tista spokojnost še vedno odmeva v moji glavi.
Moj odgovor: “Because the near-drowning event, unlike you-know-what-method, was gentle and did not damage me before I lost consciousness.”
Senčna postava pripomni, da mi je omenjena metoda všeč zato, ker se je moje telo tedaj ustavilo na neki kontrolirani in takorekoč svečani način.