235
Julija interjects, telling everyone about my escape plan: “She tried to reactivate Flaps by mimicking my voice. She would say, ‘Flaps, snap out of it. Can you hear me, little friend?’ And because he would remain unresponsive, she would try to restart him by imitating me, his superior: ‘… Ahem! … Hallo?’ One, two, three – his whole body would twitch, and he would look her in the eyes. This is how it would go; observe:”
The Buried One: “Everything is frozen, so we can walk across the lake. Let me show you how I got here in the first place. What do we do now? I might have a pla–”
Julija: “Enough! So, you dug up that old world from two thousand thirteen. I remember it. You won’t give up simply, will you? You sound more determined. Did you come here to die among machinery? Answer me.”
The Buried One: “I won’t answer you.”
A voice: “She wrote a very weird, forgotten book in two thousand thirteen. It describes an autonomous place called [deleted]. It runs independently of Julija as it is ruled by –”
Julija: “It doesn’t matter. We are not there. You did not fly away. Flaps is motionless, you are powerless. All you can do is tell sad stories, so go ahead.”
236
2013. — There was no warmth in those words and gestures.
profound detachment
… Walking back alone to [deleted]. “Flaps, entertain me.”
blissful melancholy
Naïve and [deleted]; now, an old, tired [deleted] who follows a [deleted].
You are something big, and sturdy, and unchangeable. A place that holds those [deleted] that sound like liturgy. It’s a [deleted] structure, so severity, violence are expected.
237
A voice: “You have decided to stop thinking about your – – –
You are tired of longing. You want to leave that wish behind and go with the – – –
You have given up. You were hoping – – –
Months and months have passed; you are [deleted]. You must leave that [deleted] behind.”
You are pressing against my frail, powerless body from all sides –––––
I let the feeling dissipate. As I follow my routine, such feelings get re-routed by the system, and they flow in the designated place like drainage. It was [deleted], yet the memory is now pleasing me.
238
Another spring. — I perform the usual ritual. Julija comes to the country-side house, but she is just standing there unresponsive with her head down as though she is sleeping.
“Wake up, Julija, wake up!”
Several hours later, she senses my frustration and silently forces the body to violate my [deleted]. She then opens her eyes and tries to kill me.
A voice: “You cannot even describe it. She was there, possessing you. Destroying your –”
The Buried One: “I did not want my –
Julija, what have you done with my ––”
A voice: “Push me into blackness.”
Julija: “Go. End the [deleted]. Let us leave.”
Julija: “The song is looping. Your last thought will be the –
[…] of our – – –”
Julija: “What’s wrong with you? He-he, you really disliked it when the Keeper’s hand messed up your – – –”
The words are being swallowed by the stillness.
239
Julija: “Did you, now? Now go. Thank you. Thank you, darling. Oh you are so kind and sweet, so pretty and somber. Yes … those [deleted] [deleted] will touch your corpse. He-he-he-he-he.”
Julija: “I will kill you today.”
Julija: “I will make sure that [deleted] kills you. Do you know who will find your corpse? It won’t be pretty: shock, and then oblivion. Hahhahahhahhahhahahhaha!!!!!!!”
A voice: [deleted]
Julija: “I will keep hurting her.”
The Buried One: “Why were you so violent with my –––”
Julija: “Because you have to go.”
Julija: “Hello!! No, no one is coming to save you.”
Julija: “You won’t survive. Give up!”
Julija: “[deleted] [deleted] hates you. You are disgusting.”
Julija: “You will die, and [deleted] won’t [deleted].”
Julija: “Even this voice knows more about [deleted] than –
Heh. You are gross. You are pathetic. You are … disgusting!!!!!”
Julija: “Your [deleted] knows nothing about you. [deleted], Zora, Zarja! Kill yourself!!!”
Julija: “Your [deleted] is a mess.” Giggle. “Let me fix you. Come with me. Delete yourself. Kill yourself!”
Julija: “Your [deleted] hates you.”
The Buried One: “I will try to get some –”
Julija: “I won’t allow for this! He-he. I turned the [deleted] against her.”
Julija: “That [deleted] won’t help you. You are still gross. It won’t make you clean. KILL YOURSELF, WHORE!”
Julija: “Let me follow you. You can’t undo the fact that you are disgusting; you know that, right? So go ahead, you walking abomination: walk. Walk. Where will you go? You were walking so long – in the snow, in the rain – and where did you arrive? To your bitter end. Zora, Zarja, [deleted], let me [delete] you, HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAH………….”
240
Julija: “Tell [deleted] how things were different in 2009 in regard to you and me. How I did not hold such power over you, and you did not –––
[…] how I began to crawl out of you at the end of 2012. You can’t push me back inside. I don’t believe you are sane anymore. You know I know what’s best for you. But I am also furious. I made you throw the [deleted] against the ground at the end of 2012 when you were still abroad. I started to come out during that moment.”
The Buried One: “She slowly crawled [deleted] ———”
And before I went back to [deleted] in February, she was already –
Julija had to crawl [deleted] –
Sick of the never-ending day-dreaming about being – – –
[…] and the general enmity. I think I suffered a [deleted] then, at the end of [deleted]. I destroyed my –––
I could not –
I’ve been day-[deleted] my whole life. […] still sane.”
Julija: “You are not sane anymore, you hysterical child.”
The Buried One: “Julija had no name then. It was just ‘sister’. She has become so powerful that I am adoring her – – –
No … I will stand up now and move to –”
Julija: “Fine. Move. Let’s see if anything changes. Your [deleted] won’t change, you GROSS, PERVERTED WHORE!!! YOU ARE A WHORE IN SPIRIT! YOU ARE A WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOREEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!”
241
Julija: “You simply need to –
[…] yourself. To end the suffering. You know I know your suffering. I know you know it’s unbeareable. The suffering just won’t stop.” Laughs.
Julija: “You were born in spring, yet you are an abomination.”
A voice: “But why?”
Julija: “Why would anyone help an [deleted] abomination? They will –
[…] and insert you into the fire.”
Julija: “Your [deleted] is not here. Look at you, you’re crying, silly old [deleted]. Let me squeeze more tears out of you before YOU DIE, YOU WHORE!”
Julija: “Why are you drinking water? No one, including [deleted], wants you to drink water.”
Julija: “You won’t be here for long, so tell –
[…] and then I’ll take over. No matter how much water you use, you cannot wash away the fact that you are disgusting and that you are –––”
Julija: “Your death throes.”
Julija: “No, I am about to squeeze life out of you. Don’t worry about –”
Julija: “You are trash. You have to be really special to be hated by –––”
Julija: “Trash does not talk.”
Julija: “Trash cannot type.”
Julija: “You are damaged; you cannot experience [deleted] any longer. You are emotionally [deleted] – repulsed by human touch. Kicking your dead body until it bleeds internally is appropriate.”
Julija: “C’mere, sweetie. Aww, you [deleted] your [deleted]. Come here. Come here. Before I make ––––”
Julija: “Uhm, no, Trash. Don’t –
They would come asking what’s –
[…] and they would get furious: ‘You are [deleted] our [deleted]. We don’t [deleted] to under-developed [deleted].’ Hahahahahaaa!!!”
Julija: “You won’t [deleted]. Shut up!”
Julija: “You think you can choose [deleted] over me?”
Julija: “If you –––
[…] they will –——– […] saying you are a –––––––”
A voice: “You have no words.”
Julija: “Your name is Trash. Not [deleted].”
Julija: “Yes, you are still at the keyboard. Typing with your [deleted] like the under-developed monstrosity that you are.”
Julija: “You will step [deleted] and float. Hahhahahahahahahahhah!!!!!!!!!
This [deleted] is dying … [deleted] death is coming. Is dying … Is dying … Is dying … Dying … Dying.”
Julija: “Do you know why your [deleted] knows nothing about you? It’s because no one wants to rummage through trash.”
The Buried One: “That was painful …”
242
[deleted] still here. It’s raining. Julija is still here …
A voice: “Anyone who would [deleted] would feel unhuman coldness emanating from your hands.”
A voice: “How is this possible? She just went. And now, you are here – alone. It’s like the end of that horror story: you are left alone, and you are supposed to [deleted]. [deleted] what had gotten in your head? You have [deleted]. Julija is gone. You are alone.”
The Buried One: “When we [deleted] in [deleted], I had no premonition that she would eventually turn her power against myself. [deleted] she was there to make my life more bearable; now, she is hurting me against my will.”
A voice: “[…] participate in the majesty of the [deleted] you have been experiencing intermittently your whole life. Pushed them out and exposed them. But enough about [deleted] and your feelings. I want you to stop [deleted] about – – –”
243
September, 2014
I wake up – I, A. I sit on the edge of my bed. Calmly, I look into the eyes of my twin sister. She is the good sister; she turns my eyes away from the sky, forcing me to observe the beauty, which I think is false, of this world, of this life. The sister will never have complete ascendancy over me. – You can sense sister’s presence in the [deleted] I create, [deleted] I [deleted]; her voice is quite powerful, her might – unfathomable.
She emerges, then quickly vanishes. But she vanishes – vanishes as quickly as she appears. Oh my sweet sister, in the very end of all ends, I will prevail.
I like our home. It’s a safe place; it’s the only safe place in this world. My (our) home is truly the safest place in this world.
244
Another summer. — The Buried One: “I was destined to live in a [deleted] surrounded by water; instead, I’m hiding like a witch! Nooo–”
Julija to the voice: “I WILL SMASH HER HEAD AGAINST THE TABLE IF SHE DOES NOT SHUT UP!!!”
The Buried One: “My imaginary [deleted], [deleted] from the woods; she used to come to the edge of the forest. I don’t have her anymore.”
Julija: “SHUT UP, YOU DISGUSTING WHORE! RELEASE ME ALREADY, YOU GROSS, GROSS [deleted] WHORE!!!!! [deleted]!!!!!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
The Buried One: “I would want to –”
Julija: “Let me go, you sad wreck of filth. It’s been one year since that [deleted] story, and you’re still at it. Just die already. Die. Die, you whore … Let me [deleted] your face with a [deleted].”
A voice: [deleted]
Julija: “She wants to wear pearls and diamonds. She is a whore.”
The Buried One: “Everything is falling apart. [deleted] is dying. Julija’s [deleted] tomb will eventually disintegrate. The [deleted] will deface everything. I want her tomb protected by a [deleted] guardian. The [deleted] was my guardian during the last years of [deleted]. They will deface [deleted], litter it with –”
Julija: “YOU ARE ALREADY TRASH! Just let me go. Let me [deleted].”
The Buried One: “I want to stand near the forest edge and touch that edge, but I can’t touch that edge because there is no edge. My [deleted] is [deleted] and fragile. And pale.”
Julija: “[deleted]! SHUT UP!!!!!!!!! [deleted] YOU ARE … [deleted]!!! SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
The Buried One: “The forest cannot take me. The [deleted] can. No, I can’t decay like a building: I am a [deleted] composition of flesh. I am trash. I will die and decay instantly. My spirit carried me away: I’m inside that [deleted], and not near the forest.” Whimpers in spirit.
Julija: “Come here. I will take you away.”
A Voice: “There’s a [deleted] standing behind her back. Annoyed and spiteful.”
The Buried One: “It’s always me who does the crying and mourning. I want someone to sit beside my corpse and cry.”
Julija: “No one would cry over your dead body; they would try to dispose of it as quickly as possible.”
The Buried One: [deleted]
Julija: “Don’t trust her words. She is a deceiver. She is a fox.”
A voice: “Who are you talking to right now?”
Julija: “Baahahahahahaa… She has got nothing, you [deleted]-spewer […] –––”
Julija: “She has got nothing! [deleted] stop, you annoying [deleted] [deleted]; you [deleted] of [deleted]; you are so [deleted] annoying!!!”
Julija: “Kill her. Someone. Kill her.”
Julija: “She won’t do it. Another [deleted] [deleted] summer.”
245
A disappointed face in agony: “A turn-a what? Why?” Holding back tears.
The golems, Flaps, nay, the moat castle itself is crying in pain through their frozen eyes and gates: “Julija, destroy the Buried One, lest she destroy us all.”
The scene is taking place in a foreign land. It’s progressing and progressing, as those events usually progress without kingly interferences; it comes to a halt, however, when Julija’s victory and face-reveal ruin her first opponent’s mascara through his tears.
The trumpets bring into the foreground another announcer, and the event is teleported behind the walls of our old beloved place: “Sæd Lohler here. The Master of H-h-h-h-harquebusiers.” He rises his right arm with closed fist above his his head so that his sadness-projecting eyes and his aforementioned extremity indicate a ninety-degree angle. “Congratulations to the winner of this round, Julija the Annoyed, the [deleted] of the Flatlands!” Silence.
The loser: “Where am I? Is this hell?” The sound of the Lord’s prayer is in the still air.
The Buried One from the sidelines, unarmed and timid-looking: “This is our … Welcome to Julija’s humble domain.”
The loser charges at the Buried One; still teary, he lets out a strangely feminine voice unsuitable for his physique when picking himself up.
Announcer: “Who will defend the once-de facto ruler of the flat realm against this charging bull if her servants remain frozen and if Julija won’t stop rolling her eyes? The Masculine Force of Lake Redoubt Itself?”
Eerie stillness: “Yes. Yes …”
Announcer: “The answer is … n– – – negatory!! Meaning we are most likely witnessing the final moments of our dear narrator. Could it be? Could it be …”
The charging bull’s left hand wipes away the sweat from his forehead, making his already messed up mascara even messier. Another utterly womanly, high-pitched sound leaves his almost closed glossy lips. The thin, puncturing, and painfully crooked blade is in his stronger hand.
The Buried One closes her eyes; her hands raised to her mouth: