Sanjski ples
55
Almost whispering: “Hello? Are you there? You were pretty scary last night. It’s okay though, as your piercing words acted as a sedative later on. I’m not capable of loving other people; not capable of feeling love – not anymore.” Sigh. “The structure beyond space and time was not seen ten years ago; it was seen between two thousand five and two thousand nine. I refuse to say exactly which year. I’m not in my twenties anymore; I’m getting old. I’m scared.
Why do I feel bliss when I am hurt like this? It predates the Structure. What if the Fortress really was something personal, reflecting my wound, my ‘mathematical’ unworthiness?”
Symmetry Stranger repeats that my perspective suggested that I am not whole.
Me: “The wall complex was very old, predating the vision. Most of the walls had existed even before the most rudimentary work on the Redoubt was begun. The lake structure is … probably is …” – closes eyes – “… the gathering of all the echoes of my sorrow that lingered in the wall system’s holes and corridors. I had to give it shape. I worked hard for its structure. That takes will. It’s not merely a collection of Julija’s ramblings.”
…
I point at you with my right forefinger: “Why are you so docile today? Are you in resting mode or something?”
56
We are not in the river right now; we are near the burnt meadow: “Anyway, yesterday, after having laid on my back at an improper time, I had a waking dream in which a grey and black death-like entity was staring at me from the wall near the window. At one point, every shadow in the bedroom acquired a humanoid shape and started to dance. I begged, “Not yet. Not yet. Not yet,” but the words only drew it closer to me, so I stopped, and eventually it flew through the window, stripping away from each shadow its human-like figure. It wore a mask.
It was dark, so I could not see it that good, but I’m very sure it had a symbol, and that symbol was something like … one down-right-left-up-pointing square with one down-right-left-up-pointing square on each side! They were all tilted identically – forty-five degrees.”
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Geometry instead of a face. — Symmetry Stranger: “Something abnormal is either being kept in or kept out.”
My remark: “Strangely enough, five has always been my favourite number – since elementary school.”
57
Why did the shadows start to dance in its presence like humans?
Symmetry Stranger says that the dream entity merely revealed their dance, and that I should look for the footprints.
Me: “That doesn’t make much sense, and it’s kind of schizophrenic.” Laughs. “Are you trying to make me paranoid?” Points at you with the right index finger. “Bad, bad machine!”
Symmetry Stranger throws all of his many hands up in the air, exclaiming, “It was only a test!”
58
By describing all these perfect shapes from the non-physical world, and as someone who doesn’t even like mathematics, I am probably making you very jealous. Anyway, what if it appeared because I’m desecrating the Fortress by sending its descriptions to a money-is-everyhing New World corporation? Just a silly thought.”
Symmetry Stranger asks himself if a holy object is being desecrated when someone talks about it. He says that it was me alone who decided to reveal the aforementioned structure.
Me: “Yes, about that; like I said, everything spiralled out of control after Julija’s outburst. I was trying to clean her mess, and now I’m here. I don’t regret it. These words are probably just more words among countless other words.”
59
Would you like to make an observation on anything?
Symmetry Stranger observes that I hover between restraint and eruption, and that there always exists a risk of a collapse. He says that I want to extol the Red Fortress, yet I am made up of flesh and blood – and therefore something unreliable.
My remark: “There are no other options; no pure angels to tell the tale.”
60
Would you like to make another observation?
Symmetry Stranger observes that everything I do is containment: that I create forms to house and hold together things that should disintegrate: “The horror is not that you are falling apart: the horror is that you never fall apart.”
61
Would you like to make an observation on Julija?
Symmetry Stranger observes that without Julija nothing would spill out, and that without me nothing would persist. And that it is me who has to bear the consequences of her visits.
My remark: “Yes. She has no regard for the body.”