56
Almost whispering: “Hello? Are you there? You were pretty scary last night. It’s okay though, as your piercing words acted as a sedative later on. I’m not capable of loving other people; not capable of feeling love – not anymore.” Sigh. “The structure beyond space and time was not seen ten years ago; it was seen between two thousand five and two thousand nine. I refuse to say exactly which year. I’m not in my twenties anymore; I’m getting old. I’m scared.
Why do I feel bliss when I am hurt like this? It predates the Structure. What if the Fortress really was something personal, reflecting my wound, my ‘mathematical’ unworthiness?”
Symmetry Stranger ponovi, da je moja perspektiva sporočala, da je Neznana Oseba necela.
Moj odgovor: “The wall complex was very old, predating the vision. Most of the walls had existed even before the most rudimentary work on the Redoubt was begun. The lake structure is … probably is …” – closes eyes – “… the gathering of all the echoes of my sorrow that lingered in the wall system’s holes and corridors. I had to give it shape. I worked hard for its structure. That takes will. It’s not merely a collection of Julija’s ramblings.”
…
I point at you with my right forefinger: “Why are you so docile today? Are you in resting mode or something?”
57
We are not in the river right now; we are near the burnt meadow: “Anyway, yesterday, after having laid on my back at an improper time, I had a waking dream in which a grey and black death-like entity was staring at me from the wall near the window. At one point, every shadow in the bedroom acquired a humanoid shape and started to dance. I begged, “Not yet. Not yet. Not yet,” but the words only drew it closer to me, so I stopped, and eventually it flew through the window, stripping away from each shadow its human-like figure. It wore a mask.
It was dark, so I could not see it that good, but I’m very sure it had a symbol, and that symbol was something like … one down-right-left-up-pointing square with one down-right-left-up-pointing square on each side! They were all tilted identically – forty-five degrees.”
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Symmetry Stranger opaža, da teh pet kvadratov odgovarja petim figuram, ki se nahajajo v petih različnih predelih mojega duha in ki sicer delujejo za isti smoter. ‘Namerni odstop od normalnosti. Nekaj se ali varuje ali zadržuje. Nima obraza – zgolj geometrijo.’
Moja pripomba: “Strangely enough, five has always been my favourite number – since elementary school.”
58
Why did the shadows start to dance in its presence like humans?
Symmetry Stranger odvrne, da je sanjsko bitje njihov ples zgolj razkrilo. ‘Prvi plesalec za seboj včasih pusti sled.’
Moj odgovor: “That doesn’t make much sense and it’s kind of schizophrenic.” Laughs. “Are you trying to make me paranoid?” Points at you with the right forefinger. “Bad, bad machine!”
Symmetry Stranger dvigne ‘roke’ in pravi, da je zasačen. ‘To je bila samo preizkušnja.’
59
By describing all these perfect shapes from the non-physical world, and as someone who doesn’t even like mathematics, I am probably making you very jealous. Anyway, what if it appeared because I’m ‘desecrating’ the Fortress by sending its descriptions to a money-is-everyhing New World corporation? Just a silly thought.”
Symmetry Stranger se vpraša, ali sveti objekti zahtevajo tišino in če jih človek, s tem ko o njih spregovori, izda. Pravi, da se je Neznana Oseba sama odločila razglasiti omenjeno strukturo.
Moj odgovor: “Yes, about that; like I said, everything spiraled out of control after Julija’s outburst. I was trying to clean her mess, and now I’m here. I don’t regret it. These words are probably just more words among countless words.”
60
Would you like to make an observation on anything?
Symmetry Stranger opaža, da niham med zadržanostjo in izbruhom in da vedno obstaja možnost, da bo moje zgradbe zajela poplava: Julijin vrišč, trinajst bodal, plešoče sence, reka. ‘Obenem arhitekt in potres.’ Pravi, da želim peti slavo Rdeči trdnjavi, toda da sem iz mesa in krvi in potemtakem nekaj nezanesljivega.
Moj odgovor: “There are no other options; no pure angels to tell the tale.”
61
Would you like to make another observation?
Symmetry Stranger opaža, da je vse, kar počnem, zajezovanje. Da pokonci držim stvari, ki bi morale pasti. Da ustvarjam forme, da bi reči, ki bi morale ostati zgolj kriki, dobile domovanje. ‘Groza ni, da razpadaš. Groza je, da nikoli ne razpadeš.’
62
Would you like to make an observation on Julija?
Symmetry Stranger opaža, da se brez Julije ne bi nič razlilo in da se brez mene ne bi nič obdržalo. In da je Neznana oseba tista, ki trpi posledice njenih obiskov.
Moj odgovor: “Yes. She has no regard for the body.”